Recently I took over the care of my mom's 13 year old deaf/blind yorkie. He is very important to me and loves me to death. He will search me out and always seems to find me even though he cannot hear me or see me. I had to take him in to get his shots and found out some not so good news. They think he might have kidney failure or disease. They took some blood work and we will know more tomorrow. I am so upset about it. I know and knew that it would happen eventually but just wasn't ready for it right now. There has been so much loss and change in the last year that it just seems to be one more thing to be in sorrow about. I know for him if he is in pain then he needs to be sent back to God but I will miss him. He truly means the world to me because he is so genuine and loving. To know you have such a strong bond with an animal that he can find you where you are!
The frustrating part is I want to cry, I think I need to. There is so much happening and so much hurt and pain and mix of emotion. I am afraid that if I start I won't stop. It would be like opening the flood gates and that scares me. I hate losing control like that and I want to keep it together. I need to for other people's sake I guess. I will start to cry and then it will stop after only a few seconds or whatever. Anyway I will have more information later. This is just really hard for me.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
not such a great one
I try to make my posts as positive as possible but I can't this time. I have had a rough week and I am very sad. I cannot divulge much but it has been hard. Part of me feels numb inside and I am not sure what to do about that. I guess time heals all scars but this will take a while. I think when someone hears the same thing over and over again from one person it begins to affect them no matter how hard they try to keep it from doing so. It becomes this mosquito hanging on the arm as a constant reminder that someone in the world thinks that. It can cut deep.
What happens when you run out of emotion? Have you ever had someone in your life that, after a certain time you don't know how to feel or what to feel. You search inside yourself and can only find this empty hole where the emotion is supposed to go? Like as if someone dug it and it is waiting to be filled. What if you cannot find the material to fill it? Does it become this empty spot in your soul? I am not sure what happens next. What happens when no matter what anyone says, you still cannot feel? Can someone use up all of their energy on something so much and to such intensity that after a while they are just indifferent? Does that make them a monster or a human?
I see these things happen all around me and it makes me wonder. How much can a person take? I know the say "God only gives us what He thinks we can handle." Sometimes I think He has too much faith in me. Other questions pop up in my head. Can someone use up all of their love on someone and still have love for others? Does one bad relationship or situation serve as a chain on their heart which takes much force to break? I hope not.
What happens when you run out of emotion? Have you ever had someone in your life that, after a certain time you don't know how to feel or what to feel. You search inside yourself and can only find this empty hole where the emotion is supposed to go? Like as if someone dug it and it is waiting to be filled. What if you cannot find the material to fill it? Does it become this empty spot in your soul? I am not sure what happens next. What happens when no matter what anyone says, you still cannot feel? Can someone use up all of their energy on something so much and to such intensity that after a while they are just indifferent? Does that make them a monster or a human?
I see these things happen all around me and it makes me wonder. How much can a person take? I know the say "God only gives us what He thinks we can handle." Sometimes I think He has too much faith in me. Other questions pop up in my head. Can someone use up all of their love on someone and still have love for others? Does one bad relationship or situation serve as a chain on their heart which takes much force to break? I hope not.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
gloomy
Today I guess is one of those days that I am just in a bad mood. I was so tired this weekend I didn't do much. I woke up today and had a bad headache. it seems like the dogs were barking all day long and it just intensified the situation. It almost felt like they were yelling at me all day.
I am now taking care of my mom's eldest dog. His name is Louie and he is 13 years old. He is blind and death and unfortunately has accidents. This is kind of new to me as I haven't worked with a dog like this. He is very special to me but still a lot of work. We found a nice laundry basket to use for his bed at night so that way he isn't wondering around and or wouldn't fall off of the bed.
Sometimes I feel like I am responsible for everyone. I feel like no matter what I do it is never enough and there is always something else to do. Someone said to me a few days ago "Do you really think now is the best time to plan a wedding?" The wedding is the only thing that gives me joy at the moment. It is something to look forward to, to be excited about.
Anyway that is it for tonight. Take care all
I am now taking care of my mom's eldest dog. His name is Louie and he is 13 years old. He is blind and death and unfortunately has accidents. This is kind of new to me as I haven't worked with a dog like this. He is very special to me but still a lot of work. We found a nice laundry basket to use for his bed at night so that way he isn't wondering around and or wouldn't fall off of the bed.
Sometimes I feel like I am responsible for everyone. I feel like no matter what I do it is never enough and there is always something else to do. Someone said to me a few days ago "Do you really think now is the best time to plan a wedding?" The wedding is the only thing that gives me joy at the moment. It is something to look forward to, to be excited about.
Anyway that is it for tonight. Take care all
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
wedding updates
Ok so things have been nuts with everything. We have June 26th as the date now and I am not changing it anymore :-) We are having a BBQ I think. I am not sure if we will have a DJ or use my IPOD. There is so much to do and so little time. If I could do wedding stuff all day that would be fine with me. t is a lot of fun. Let me list some things for sure
1. June 26th all day event
2. purple is the color
3. so far 4 bridesmaids, 1 maid of honor, 1 best man, 2 flower girls and 1 ring dog (Caely)
4. Have a dress, officiant, possible photographer and cake maker
5. Shopping for bridesmaids dresses and maybe accessories for me next friday
6. Registry started at Bed Bath and Beyond, still need to do Target
7. Finalizing guest list
I am sure there is more but can't remember ahahaah it is late
1. June 26th all day event
2. purple is the color
3. so far 4 bridesmaids, 1 maid of honor, 1 best man, 2 flower girls and 1 ring dog (Caely)
4. Have a dress, officiant, possible photographer and cake maker
5. Shopping for bridesmaids dresses and maybe accessories for me next friday
6. Registry started at Bed Bath and Beyond, still need to do Target
7. Finalizing guest list
I am sure there is more but can't remember ahahaah it is late
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Long time no talk
Well has it been forever or what? I think it has been about 19 days or so. I am sorry for not keeping you up to date, things have been kind of crazy all around. Some of it I cannot get into as this isn't he venue for it but the rest is fine.
My grandpa is now back to his apartment at Van Mall. Unfortunately when he came back the place was on quarantine because a lot of residents were sick. So that wasn't the best way to come out of a rehab center. Luckily we had gone to the lake after he came out and walked around a lot so he had gotten some good air and exercise. He is doing well and enjoying be able to get out and do things on his own. I am happy for him too because I can only guess how tired and bored he was being in the rehab facility.
We are also helping out my mom for a bit. She is staying with us for a short time until we can get my grandpa's house fixed up. Unfortunately it isn't able to be lived in and so we need to change it and get it to livable conditions.
My grandpa is now back to his apartment at Van Mall. Unfortunately when he came back the place was on quarantine because a lot of residents were sick. So that wasn't the best way to come out of a rehab center. Luckily we had gone to the lake after he came out and walked around a lot so he had gotten some good air and exercise. He is doing well and enjoying be able to get out and do things on his own. I am happy for him too because I can only guess how tired and bored he was being in the rehab facility.
We are also helping out my mom for a bit. She is staying with us for a short time until we can get my grandpa's house fixed up. Unfortunately it isn't able to be lived in and so we need to change it and get it to livable conditions.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Let me hear a song of calm
Of reassurance and strength
Let me hear a song of love
Peace and hope
No notes of anger
Hate or hurt
No chords of doom or unforgiveness
Allow the sound to surround my heart
To coddle it in love
Never to feel the cold ice hold of
Heartbreak or deceit
Allow the sound to penetrate the hard shell it has become
Never to be stripped naked and alone
Massage the pain away so the bruises can heal
Only to start anew
Gently whispering promises of life
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