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Thursday, May 19, 2011

37 and other

Only 37 days and I am feeling the heat. I am so excited but nervous too. I have a wedding shower coming up and I am so self conscious about it. I don't like being the center of attention in that regard. But i am excited, just a lot to do.

Grandpa is in rehab again. He has a small fracture in the hip area. It is inoperable so he just needs to rest. We will have to wait to see what the next step is as far as living arrangements. 

Monday, May 16, 2011

At what point does it take for a mind to just short out. To stop and say "Hey wait a minute what is going on here? I am in overload!" I wonder if that short has different lengths for everyone. One person's short might be forever and a day but the other's might only be a few trying times. The mind has always been interesting to me. Does one's experience impact how and if that short might occur? How does willpower play into that or how about beliefs or religion? I wish I knew because so much is confusing for me sometimes.
We live in a world of labels, medications, easy fixes, etc. So what s real anymore? What is authentic and original if we are all products of all of those things? I am sure nothing I say is profound as others have said it many times before but still... I want to know where the line is and what makes someone cross it and others not to.

Sometimes I look at what is going in my life and wonder why it is the way it is. You know that saying that is "God only gives you what He thinks you can handle?" Well  what if God is way to optimistic about my abilities and what I can handle? Then what happens? Does my brain short and I crumble to pieces? What if failure isn't an option? What if not matter what is thrown at me I do not crumble? What if I keep on strong and push and push until I am through it? At what point do I get a break to relax and rest myself?

I heard about compassion fatigue syndrome? It is a gradual lessening of compassion over time. What happens when the people around you have sucked the life from you and you have nothing left? What a horrible feeling but understandable. I think anyone, even those with the purist of intentions, can be exposed to that. After a while you give and give and then there is nothing left. What do you do then? No one wants to be a cold empty shell of what they used to be do they?

I guess I find myself rambling but I really wonder about these things. I find myself taking care of both my grandfather and my mother. My grandfather is 94 years old and my mom 51 year old. My grandfather is dealing with old age issues and my mother mental health issues. Sometimes I am very tired and all i want to do is just sit and do nothing at all. Sometimes just sitting in silence sounds wonderful. Then there are times when others around me are crying and I find myself not doing so. I think that is the way I cope. I focus so heavily on the logistics and what needs to be done that I push my feelings aside so they can't get in the way of my goal or mission so to speak. I am sure that isn't healthy but it is all I know.

I remember when my grandmother died around 11 years ago this month. She was sick for about a year or more and it happened pretty rapidly. I was in college and going with my grandfather every day to the hospital so that I could gather information to pass on to the family and also help my grandfather because his hearing wasn't so good. I remember just sitting in the room with my grandmother doing my homework and preparing for tests. As her health deteriorated things became more complicated as they usually do. My grandmother was so set on staying at home and wouldn't think about another option. I wanted her to go to a facility to receive better care. God I felt like a bitch as i would talk to her and she would look at me as if I didn't care. But I didn't have a nursing degree and I couldn't help her and keep her safe from getting hurt. She was so fragile you know.

I remember at one time a man came over to talk with her about options of places to go. After he left she bounced back and was trying to walk and everything. In my mind I thought that maybe all she needed was a bit of a threat to push her. So when she got sick again I remember telling her that we needed to look into other options. She was barely able to eat, unable to move or get out of bed to use the bathroom. One move from my grandpa and I and she could crack her hip. She had lost so much weight I mean if life was hard for her now I couldn't imagine making it worse by hurting her more.

That night I tried to help her eat some applesauce and talked to her about our options. I had spoken to hospice earlier and was trying to come to terms with what they had said. She had dementia so she argued with me a bit about a small dog in the room but eventually fell asleep. I checked on her several times and then went out to the living room to watch TV.

After that my brain went into autopilot i guess because I started going over what needed to be done. My uncles needed to be called and also my mother. What will happen when the ambulance comes, what are the next steps? I need to contact my professors to let them know I need to postpone finals. Oh I have a meting tomorrow I need to postpone too.

After that things were taken care of and I worked with my grandpa on many things for the funeral.

Wow well i don't know why I felt it necessary to share that. I talk about what happened but I don't think I have written it down. Everything comes with time I guess.

So i guess the point of all of this was, well i am not sure. Right now I have 2 people to take care of, 3 dogs as well, a job, a fiancee and a wedding to plan. Now none of that is an excuse but just trying to put things into perspective for myself. In the back of my mind I keep wanting to have a baby eventually. I wonder if there will ever be time to focus on trying to start a family of our own.

Ok well that is it for now.

Monday, May 9, 2011

food for wedding thought

Things have been going so fast. I think we have 48 maybe now 47 days until the wedding. Starting to feel the pressure and trying to figure out how every thing can fit together. Our biggest obstacle at this point is money. We don't have a lot of it and are using a good chunk of it toward getting pictures taken and what not. Saturday we went to Costco to get an idea about the food. I was so freaked out because everything is an arm and leg. So if you have 75 people and you want to get a platter and you have to get three platters about $90. That is just a platter.
He did get silverware plates cops things to drink. it adds up and by the time you add it all up you're spending a fortune. I don't know really what the best answer is at this point. I think were going to go with a buffet and a potluck. That way people can bring something they like and we can all share and celebrate. Hopefully it's not considered tacky or rude. a lot of people talk about this as a good option and I hope it is. Several people talked about chicken and other people bring like salads and stuff like that. I read somewhere that if you can't afford to feed your guests then you probably should cut your list. I understand that but the other part is that I want these people to be involved and I don't want to exclude someone because we can't afford to feed everybody. I don't know if that makes any sense or not but it's how I feel. Don't even talk about the cake. Josh and I are just going with a couple Costco cakes. I'm not trying to make this sound like we're settling. I don't want it to be fancy shmancy or some cheap little shindig. I just wanted it to be nice and fun. That's my biggest concern is for it to be fun and reflect Josh and I. But of course money is an issue and so we have to plan accordingly. I think I worry too much.



Tuesday, May 3, 2011


Observation tomorrow. I am nervous about it as this year has been rough. I seem to not be doing things right. Wish me luck please and hope that I will get a good evaluation and be able to continue with my program next year.

heavy cloud

Mia has her stitches out - she is healing well and it is as if it never happened - she is so funny
Still working on wedding plans, starting to feel the pressure and getting a bit stressed but it is a god stressed I guess.
I just have this heavy feeling on me tonight. I am tired and going to bed. I am not sure what it is or caused by but hopefully it will lift tomorrow.