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Monday, May 16, 2011

At what point does it take for a mind to just short out. To stop and say "Hey wait a minute what is going on here? I am in overload!" I wonder if that short has different lengths for everyone. One person's short might be forever and a day but the other's might only be a few trying times. The mind has always been interesting to me. Does one's experience impact how and if that short might occur? How does willpower play into that or how about beliefs or religion? I wish I knew because so much is confusing for me sometimes.
We live in a world of labels, medications, easy fixes, etc. So what s real anymore? What is authentic and original if we are all products of all of those things? I am sure nothing I say is profound as others have said it many times before but still... I want to know where the line is and what makes someone cross it and others not to.

Sometimes I look at what is going in my life and wonder why it is the way it is. You know that saying that is "God only gives you what He thinks you can handle?" Well  what if God is way to optimistic about my abilities and what I can handle? Then what happens? Does my brain short and I crumble to pieces? What if failure isn't an option? What if not matter what is thrown at me I do not crumble? What if I keep on strong and push and push until I am through it? At what point do I get a break to relax and rest myself?

I heard about compassion fatigue syndrome? It is a gradual lessening of compassion over time. What happens when the people around you have sucked the life from you and you have nothing left? What a horrible feeling but understandable. I think anyone, even those with the purist of intentions, can be exposed to that. After a while you give and give and then there is nothing left. What do you do then? No one wants to be a cold empty shell of what they used to be do they?

I guess I find myself rambling but I really wonder about these things. I find myself taking care of both my grandfather and my mother. My grandfather is 94 years old and my mom 51 year old. My grandfather is dealing with old age issues and my mother mental health issues. Sometimes I am very tired and all i want to do is just sit and do nothing at all. Sometimes just sitting in silence sounds wonderful. Then there are times when others around me are crying and I find myself not doing so. I think that is the way I cope. I focus so heavily on the logistics and what needs to be done that I push my feelings aside so they can't get in the way of my goal or mission so to speak. I am sure that isn't healthy but it is all I know.

I remember when my grandmother died around 11 years ago this month. She was sick for about a year or more and it happened pretty rapidly. I was in college and going with my grandfather every day to the hospital so that I could gather information to pass on to the family and also help my grandfather because his hearing wasn't so good. I remember just sitting in the room with my grandmother doing my homework and preparing for tests. As her health deteriorated things became more complicated as they usually do. My grandmother was so set on staying at home and wouldn't think about another option. I wanted her to go to a facility to receive better care. God I felt like a bitch as i would talk to her and she would look at me as if I didn't care. But I didn't have a nursing degree and I couldn't help her and keep her safe from getting hurt. She was so fragile you know.

I remember at one time a man came over to talk with her about options of places to go. After he left she bounced back and was trying to walk and everything. In my mind I thought that maybe all she needed was a bit of a threat to push her. So when she got sick again I remember telling her that we needed to look into other options. She was barely able to eat, unable to move or get out of bed to use the bathroom. One move from my grandpa and I and she could crack her hip. She had lost so much weight I mean if life was hard for her now I couldn't imagine making it worse by hurting her more.

That night I tried to help her eat some applesauce and talked to her about our options. I had spoken to hospice earlier and was trying to come to terms with what they had said. She had dementia so she argued with me a bit about a small dog in the room but eventually fell asleep. I checked on her several times and then went out to the living room to watch TV.

After that my brain went into autopilot i guess because I started going over what needed to be done. My uncles needed to be called and also my mother. What will happen when the ambulance comes, what are the next steps? I need to contact my professors to let them know I need to postpone finals. Oh I have a meting tomorrow I need to postpone too.

After that things were taken care of and I worked with my grandpa on many things for the funeral.

Wow well i don't know why I felt it necessary to share that. I talk about what happened but I don't think I have written it down. Everything comes with time I guess.

So i guess the point of all of this was, well i am not sure. Right now I have 2 people to take care of, 3 dogs as well, a job, a fiancee and a wedding to plan. Now none of that is an excuse but just trying to put things into perspective for myself. In the back of my mind I keep wanting to have a baby eventually. I wonder if there will ever be time to focus on trying to start a family of our own.

Ok well that is it for now.

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