You had a bady day

Well today was a harder day. I guess I am at that stage where I am very sensative to things. Even a stupid song about nothing related to me just makes me cry. I mean crying to a song about a woman leaving her husband? come on! But it is what it is and I have to ride it out and experience the emotions and not stuff them down inside. Some days are harder then others and it isn't all just focused on my grandpa's passing although that is a big part of it. Lots of other things that seem to have made me more sensative and aware I guess. Tomorrow is another day as they say.

So long

So long it has been since I have written. I went from a happy and exciting time in my life to a sad and trying time now. In the span of the 6 months almost things have changed. It is hard to form everything into words because there is so much and my thoughts and feelings are mixed on all of them.

My grandfather has passed. He left us on November 1st. It has almost been a month and it seems like yesterday. I always dread the call that I would received. Whenever the phone would ring and the caregivers name would come up on caller ID, my heart would stop. This time no relief was possible as the news I fear had finally happened. I was knowing that it would come and I feel I was more prepared for it then when my grandmother died. With that said, I guess you can only be prepared so much. The first thing I thought of was that I hadn't seen him in 3 weeks. I had planned on seeing him the previous weekend but I got sick and I didn't want to get close to anyone at the group home. I felt like I had abandoned him.

I will have to cut this short. It is late and I need to go to bed. I am tired and a bit sad with thinking about this so rest is in order I presume. I will try harder to get on here and write more to all of my fans (har har har).

Ug

I got two hours of sleep last night because of this stupid cold. Been up for ever and I'm about ready to crash. I'm tired, I hurt, can't breathe well, coughing, and irritable.

Dinner and a movie

Today we started off our day with going to my grandfather's house to pick up a few things. We had gotten a late night last night and so we were a bit tired and came home and took a nap.

Josh had the great idea of going to Cinetopia and having dinner and a movie. We decided to go see Planet of the Apes in there living room theater. It is the greatest place. They have a grand auditorium and a living room. All seats are leather upholstered and extra wide, they also recline. The living room is for those over 21 years old because you can serve alcohol in there. They also have ottomans to put your feet up and then a pit at the bottom where you can lay down with a lot of pillows. They take your order and then bring you your meal. The food is great but a bit expensive.

Josh had two slices of pieces and some fries with a drink and I had some mac and cheese with chicken and a drink. We went and saw "Rise of the Planet of the Apes." I was a bit nervous at first because sometimes Apes scare me. Additionally, I knew it would be a bit sad and I hate watching things that are sad.

The movie was such an emotional roller coaster. I am very sensitive when it comes to animals and this was no exception. There were many times I was just in tears and trying so hard not to be loud in the theater. I couldn't help it, I just kept crying. The story was moving and it just kept going at a steady pace. There was never a dull moment throughout the whole things. If I wasn't crying, I was thought provoked and in suspense to see what happens next. The main ape was so lifelike and human it just hit me hard. It made me think of how special my dogs are to me and how they are like my children. I can't give out too much but it was sooooo good.

We then stopped quick at Fred Meyers, picked up another movie and Josh and I both got something. Josh got a new CD that he wanted and I got a great backpack that is purple with pink designs. And here we are, just got home, let the dogs out, fed them and sitting down for a movie.

Go see
Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Clark county fair

Today Josh and I went to the Clark County Fair for the first time since we have lived in Vancouver. I think that would be seven years now. Hard to believe we waited so long huh? Anyway we got a late start today as Josh worked until late in the morning. We decided to take the shuttle bus there and I am so glad that we did. It saved on not only gas but time and also headaches.

When we got there we went into the exhibition/vendor area. I always like going to these because I love to buy things. Of course I need to monitor myself but it is fun to look regardless. We saw a lot of vendors there but unfortunately it wasn't that exciting. I do get irritated with vendors and all of the ways they try to sell you on things. The ones who jump out at you and push their product are one of the most annoying ones. Or what about the ones who try to be all sweet and play the nice card. e had one lady try to sell us stuff because she was telling us the hard story of how horrible sales have been. Lastly there are the assholes who act like assholes. They jump in front of you and push. Even when you say no they still push you and don't let go. The one thing I wasn't expecting was to see so many different religious groups there with booths. Not that I have anything wrong with that but I just always saw those areas as those for vendors. There were a lot of signs asking if you were going to heaven or things like that. It always makes me uncomfortable to have people come up to me about that because I just don't think anyone should push their values on others. This is MY personal opinion. The way I see it, let those believe what they want to believe. It is their life and their choice. All I can worry about is myself and my beliefs.

Anyway continuing on with our day... Josh ended up getting a legal butterfly knife (which I picked out the handle design) and in that area I didn't get anything :-( Well not because I didn't want to but I was trying to be real careful with how I spent my money. I did find this great little booth with purses where you can interchange the pieces. I really wanted one of those for my ipad but wasn't sure if it would fit. I got their card so I can check it out online. It is called Miche Bag. I will let you know how the research goes. I also came across a book booth which I LOVE kids books so I really wanted to buy from there and was planning on going to but we ran out of time on our way back :-(. I did manage to buy some cool sunglasses though so Josh and I both came out with something :-) Oh and the place where Josh bought his butterfly knife had these cool cases that are meant for cigarettes but you can put your business cards and other stuff in them. Well I was looking at one that had this button. I kept pushing it and couldn't figure out what it did. Well I found out it had a light on it and burned my pointer finger a bit. I found out late that Josh burnt his too but he didn't want to say anything. I felt like a big baby and pretty stupid.

We then had some dinner (small) which consisted of a Gyro (sp?) for Josh and a meatball sub for me. The sub was awesome but Josh didn't care for the Gyro that much. Then we kind of meandered around the area and headed to where the livestock were. We saw this huge pig with about 8 little piglets around her trying to get food. They were so cute they would oink and then chase after each other trying to play. It was the cutest thing to see them playing with one another. Then we saw this baby goat who was on top of those plastic play structures that you can buy. It was so soft and loved to be touched. It just stood there and let you pet it and had this look of content on it's face. We also took a peak in the "Wild" section where there was a crocodile, porcupine, snakes, and some different kinds of felines but I cannot remember their names. I did however get a great video of a baby Bengal tiger playing with a box and it's blanket. It was so cute to watch and it was having a lot of fun entertaining itself.

It started to get a bit dark so we headed over to the rides. We walked by "Boppin Bo's Burgers" and saw my co-worker Sean there. We dropped by and said hi and commended him on how hard he was working. He had been working there for 10 days straight from start to end and was beat. After saying quick hellos and goodbyes we then bought some ride tickets and walked into the danger zone.

First Josh had to win me a prize. We chose the balloon busting booth where he popped 3 balloons out of 4 and won me a teddy bear. The bear is now known as Clark (get it, Clark County). Then we headed to the rides

Our first experiment was on the Scrambler. Ok my legs must have shrunk or the ride is higher up because it was almost impossible to jump in that thing. I made it finally but man I had to leap into it. I felt so bad for Josh because he was in the spot that gets the most pressure when you go around and around. I was trying so hard not to ram him as we went around but I couldn't help it. We must be getting old because we both didn't remember it ever going that fast. Yikes!

Next stop was the ferris wheel which is normally not my thing. I don't like heights and if I do have to go up high then I like to be in a more confined space where I can feel that I am secure. Well we got in the car but it was circular so there was a lot of room. Josh sat on the opposite side of me which was totally freaking me out because he wasn't right beside me. Before he could move over we started going up and I was really anxious. We went around several times but it didn't get better. Finally he moved over but then the cart started to tilt. This freaked me out more and so he moved back to where he had been. Poor guy, I guess I wasn't that good of a rider on that ride.

Next we went on the, well not sure what it is called. It is like the rock and roller ride at Oaks Park. It is like a carousel but with carts that as you go around they lift up from the force of the spin. We went on that one and it was a lot of fun. Josh was woohooing and I was laughing. It was a bit more bumpy then usual but it was still fun to go around and around. Again, it was faster than I remember. Funny how things change when you are hunger. I wish they wouldn't.

Lastly, we were running low on time but decided to chance one last ride. I hate to admit this but I think it was a kiddy ride but what the hell. It was called "The Windsurfer." You sit on these things that look like windsurfing crafts and you spin around and the crafts move outward. I have always wanted to try these types of rides but have been a bit scared. This got me used to it so maybe next time I will try the adult kind. AHAHAHAh!

Now I really wanted to go on the Gravitron which is where you go inside and the thing goes around so fast it kid of lifts you up from the force. Josh in no way wanted to that one and I was too chicken to go by myself. Maybe I can find the courage to do it myself next time.

After the last ride it was 10:45pm and we headed to the shuttle area. There were several shuttles leaving from there to various areas in Vancouver. The one we were on was jammed pack that there was no standing room left. Thankfully after about ten minutes waiting, the shuttle didn't leave until 11pm, another shuttle was called in to take some of the passengers. So Josh and I hopped off the full one and sat leisurely in the other one. We even got to the mall before the other bus did. The whole ride took about 12 minutes. I mean if we had driven in our car we would still had been in traffic trying to get out of the park grounds. It was definitely the best way to go!

Needless to say we are tired but in a good way. We were still pretty hungry and so we ordered a pizza and watched a movie. It was nice to do something fun for a change since we have been doing so much work.

grandpa's house

Okay so the recap of the last couple weeks event. We decided to sell grandpa's house because an investor was interested in it. After looking at other houses in the areas my real estate agent came up with a number and he was okay with that and so now we're in the process of getting things together so we can sign. So for the past couple weekends we have been going to the house every weekend and going through everything. We got Josh's sister to come up and she helped us. There was stuff everywhere and he kept almost everything. From old shoes to pens . So this last weekend we finally had the garage sale.

Friday was probably the craziest day. We had an appraiser come in early we thought to look at pretty much anything that we thought could be of value. Well we hoped he would be able to look at everything. Unfortunately he was very specific as to what he wanted and so we weren't able to get much of any information from him. So we started this sale at 12, well that was the plan. The appraiser and us got there at 10. Someone started to come in at 10:30 to start shopping at our garage sale. Unfortunately we let them in and that just began the hurricane of people.

When we first started the project, we decided to put all trash in this huge pile or make a pile in the back yard. Anything that was trash we just threw into a pile. This was anywhere from papers to broken things to just garbage. Well not long after the sale began, probably around maybe 12 we looked outside and people were in the garbage pile . They were actually digging through the pile to find stuff. Now Josh had put up the sign over the patio part that said free. I guess they assumed that meant the pile too. After watching them, I then decided well if they're going to go digging then maybe we should get something out of it since this was technically still our stuff. So I grabbed some garbage bags and I went outside. I told them that if they filled up the garbage bag they could pay five dollars for whatever was in it. everybody just stopped what they were doing. Then they slowly got up, and backed away from the pile. It was Hilarious. Then after maybe a couple minutes they grabbed a bag and started diggin.

more to come....

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Sunburn saga

Thanks for all the recommendations everyone. I was able to sleep but am really tired and very very sore and blazing red. I had to wear a shirt and so it irritates the burn

Sunburn

. Okay so stupid me. I sat outside at the garage sale and purposely went in the shade. Somehow I manage to get a really bad sunburn. So on top of being sore and exhausted, I am now sunburnt on my shoulders and the front and back part of my neck and upper chest. I read that vinegar helps but we are all out of it. So I had to send Josh out to get me something from the store. Even though he's exhausted and just plain tired he is still going to go to the store and get me something. I love him.

frustration

i am so frustrated - josh's work changed his schedule last minute which means we can't do what we had planned
bus is hard for me to do right now as I am not feeling too well, would be so much easier to drive - sigh - just need to suck it up - things can't get done on their own I guess

phished

i am so pissed - my email account was phished and now I look like an idiot. i had to email EVERYONE in my contact list to assure them that the email sent out previously wasn't mine and to forgive me - how embarrassing
I AM SORRY EVERYONE but your information wasn't compromised, they just wanted people to respond to the email to get information from them

summer cleaning

ok so summer cleaning process has begun, take one room at a time so not to get overwhelmed, first stop kitchen - clean out items you don't want and find places for great items received from wedding :-)

remembrance

Today is the first anniversary of my father in laws death. We are heading to re boat launch where we spread his ashes last year. I love you my new/old family and lots of love to dad.

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4th of July

I am in port orchard with my husbands family. we are sitting by the water and getting ready for the show. it is a bit chilly but oh well. I talked with my grandpa today and he was in good spirits. I told him I love him and to enjoy the fireworks. at the time I was talking to him he was on the porch of his group home enjoying the scenery. happy fourth!!!!!

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Remembering the week

Well here it is, a week after Josh and I are married. You know we have been together for 7 years and so it already felt that we were married. However when Brian announced it and we had the party, it just seemed so much more real.

The whole day was fantastic. Of course we were a bit late in starting but that was really just a slight hang up. Everyone was so nice and happy and it seemed like everyone really enjoyed themselves. I will have so many good memories from it. I saw some old family and met with some old friends and saw some of my new friends. I can't say how much fun it is.

Now it seems official but I think it will feel more official when I can officially change my last name. I don't know what it is but it just seems to be the final piece that I need to fit.

Right now it is the fireworks time. The dogs are hating the loud noise and here it is 12:30am and someone just let another one off and it is so loud. This year they seem to be so much louder more than usual and I feel horrible for my doggies. They get so distraught over it and there is not much we can do but give them benedryl to help keep them calm. Tomorrow is the fourth of July which was my Grandma's birthday.

On the fifth is the anniversary of the death of my father-in-law. He will have been gone a year now and it seems like just yesterday. I can't believe it and I know that it is hard for Josh and his family. We are heading out to Port Orchard tonight when Josh comes home. Josh wants to be with his family and I don't blame him at all. So I hope he will be all right. I worry about him so much. I just pray that it will get easier for him.

movie and sushi

It's sushi and movie night at the Richardson's house. Just saw Priest and now on to Transformers 3.

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Cab finally found me although there was a huge language barrier

getting home

Just got home from the train. Caelyn did awesome and it was a nice ride. I came home to fireworks going and Joey shaking cause he is so scared. Mia just follows him around trying o kick his ass. And Caelyn looks at me as if to say, "we came home from a quiet room to this?"

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in Tacoma, Caelyn is resting and I am enjoying a nice cup of clam chowder

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train

Sitting on the train now. got here and was very confused where to go. there were some rude people and two helpful women. One is a frequent rider and she got me go the front of the line and had them assign me re big seat for Caelyn. She then walked me to my car and helped me to my seat. thank you Lord for the kind souls out there! they make the difficult ones a bit easier to deal with. 

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Night of the last day of school

So today I was not feeling well as it has been all week. I got home and cleaned part of the living room and then unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher. Then I made dinner and then got into watching tv. I have been so behind on watching my favorite shows. I am watching So You Think You Can Dance and it is so much fun. It makes me remember when I used to dance and I miss it so much. I can't believe I used to ump and kick and do all of that when I was younger, wow hard to believe.

Today is Josh's birthday and unfortunately we weren't able to spend any time together which is sad for me. I wanted to spend his bday with him but he had to work. He had this last weekend off but we didn't know that until the last minute. So we need to squeeze in some bday stuff this weekend. He will be working through the week so it will be a challenge. He is working so hard and I am very proud of him.

I can't believe in 9 days we are getting married. It seemed to take forever and now that we are here I can't believe it. We have a lot of stuff done but still have a few more things to work out. We are waiting on a head count o we can figure out what we are doing for food. I am kind of bummed because so many people can't make it and some people haven't even rsvp'd to say yes or no. Oh well I guess but still they will be miss for those that can't come.

overwhelmed

I write this not really knowing what to say or how to say much. My mind is kind of all jumbled up because there are so many things going on it that I can't think straight. I have many things going on with the wedding, my grandpa, the wcb chapter, work, and other. It seems to all be piling up and I am trying not to drown. I have several to do lists going and they are starting to bleed together because i think of one thing to do for this and then oh yea there is that for that and so on and so forth. I know I am missin things and I am freaking out about that part. But I have to take it one step at a time.

37 and other

Only 37 days and I am feeling the heat. I am so excited but nervous too. I have a wedding shower coming up and I am so self conscious about it. I don't like being the center of attention in that regard. But i am excited, just a lot to do.

Grandpa is in rehab again. He has a small fracture in the hip area. It is inoperable so he just needs to rest. We will have to wait to see what the next step is as far as living arrangements. 

At what point does it take for a mind to just short out. To stop and say "Hey wait a minute what is going on here? I am in overload!" I wonder if that short has different lengths for everyone. One person's short might be forever and a day but the other's might only be a few trying times. The mind has always been interesting to me. Does one's experience impact how and if that short might occur? How does willpower play into that or how about beliefs or religion? I wish I knew because so much is confusing for me sometimes.
  
We live in a world of labels, medications, easy fixes, etc. So what s real anymore? What is authentic and original if we are all products of all of those things? I am sure nothing I say is profound as others have said it many times before but still... I want to know where the line is and what makes someone cross it and others not to.

Sometimes I look at what is going in my life and wonder why it is the way it is. You know that saying that is "God only gives you what He thinks you can handle?" Well  what if God is way to optimistic about my abilities and what I can handle? Then what happens? Does my brain short and I crumble to pieces? What if failure isn't an option? What if not matter what is thrown at me I do not crumble? What if I keep on strong and push and push until I am through it? At what point do I get a break to relax and rest myself?

I heard about compassion fatigue syndrome? It is a gradual lessening of compassion over time. What happens when the people around you have sucked the life from you and you have nothing left? What a horrible feeling but understandable. I think anyone, even those with the purist of intentions, can be exposed to that. After a while you give and give and then there is nothing left. What do you do then? No one wants to be a cold empty shell of what they used to be do they?

I guess I find myself rambling but I really wonder about these things. I find myself taking care of both my grandfather and my mother. My grandfather is 94 years old and my mom 51 year old. My grandfather is dealing with old age issues and my mother mental health issues. Sometimes I am very tired and all i want to do is just sit and do nothing at all. Sometimes just sitting in silence sounds wonderful. Then there are times when others around me are crying and I find myself not doing so. I think that is the way I cope. I focus so heavily on the logistics and what needs to be done that I push my feelings aside so they can't get in the way of my goal or mission so to speak. I am sure that isn't healthy but it is all I know.

I remember when my grandmother died around 11 years ago this month. She was sick for about a year or more and it happened pretty rapidly. I was in college and going with my grandfather every day to the hospital so that I could gather information to pass on to the family and also help my grandfather because his hearing wasn't so good. I remember just sitting in the room with my grandmother doing my homework and preparing for tests. As her health deteriorated things became more complicated as they usually do. My grandmother was so set on staying at home and wouldn't think about another option. I wanted her to go to a facility to receive better care. God I felt like a bitch as i would talk to her and she would look at me as if I didn't care. But I didn't have a nursing degree and I couldn't help her and keep her safe from getting hurt. She was so fragile you know.

I remember at one time a man came over to talk with her about options of places to go. After he left she bounced back and was trying to walk and everything. In my mind I thought that maybe all she needed was a bit of a threat to push her. So when she got sick again I remember telling her that we needed to look into other options. She was barely able to eat, unable to move or get out of bed to use the bathroom. One move from my grandpa and I and she could crack her hip. She had lost so much weight I mean if life was hard for her now I couldn't imagine making it worse by hurting her more.

That night I tried to help her eat some applesauce and talked to her about our options. I had spoken to hospice earlier and was trying to come to terms with what they had said. She had dementia so she argued with me a bit about a small dog in the room but eventually fell asleep. I checked on her several times and then went out to the living room to watch TV.



After that my brain went into autopilot i guess because I started going over what needed to be done. My uncles needed to be called and also my mother. What will happen when the ambulance comes, what are the next steps? I need to contact my professors to let them know I need to postpone finals. Oh I have a meting tomorrow I need to postpone too.

After that things were taken care of and I worked with my grandpa on many things for the funeral.

Wow well i don't know why I felt it necessary to share that. I talk about what happened but I don't think I have written it down. Everything comes with time I guess.

So i guess the point of all of this was, well i am not sure. Right now I have 2 people to take care of, 3 dogs as well, a job, a fiancee and a wedding to plan. Now none of that is an excuse but just trying to put things into perspective for myself. In the back of my mind I keep wanting to have a baby eventually. I wonder if there will ever be time to focus on trying to start a family of our own.

Ok well that is it for now.

food for wedding thought

Things have been going so fast. I think we have 48 maybe now 47 days until the wedding. Starting to feel the pressure and trying to figure out how every thing can fit together. Our biggest obstacle at this point is money. We don't have a lot of it and are using a good chunk of it toward getting pictures taken and what not. Saturday we went to Costco to get an idea about the food. I was so freaked out because everything is an arm and leg. So if you have 75 people and you want to get a platter and you have to get three platters about $90. That is just a platter.
He did get silverware plates cops things to drink. it adds up and by the time you add it all up you're spending a fortune. I don't know really what the best answer is at this point. I think were going to go with a buffet and a potluck. That way people can bring something they like and we can all share and celebrate. Hopefully it's not considered tacky or rude. a lot of people talk about this as a good option and I hope it is. Several people talked about chicken and other people bring like salads and stuff like that. I read somewhere that if you can't afford to feed your guests then you probably should cut your list. I understand that but the other part is that I want these people to be involved and I don't want to exclude someone because we can't afford to feed everybody. I don't know if that makes any sense or not but it's how I feel. Don't even talk about the cake. Josh and I are just going with a couple Costco cakes. I'm not trying to make this sound like we're settling. I don't want it to be fancy shmancy or some cheap little shindig. I just wanted it to be nice and fun. That's my biggest concern is for it to be fun and reflect Josh and I. But of course money is an issue and so we have to plan accordingly. I think I worry too much.

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caelyn

http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmql7MDdEuY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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observation

Observation tomorrow. I am nervous about it as this year has been rough. I seem to not be doing things right. Wish me luck please and hope that I will get a good evaluation and be able to continue with my program next year.

heavy cloud

Mia has her stitches out - she is healing well and it is as if it never happened - she is so funny
Still working on wedding plans, starting to feel the pressure and getting a bit stressed but it is a god stressed I guess.
I just have this heavy feeling on me tonight. I am tired and going to bed. I am not sure what it is or caused by but hopefully it will lift tomorrow.

teeth whitening for wedding

I'm trying teeth whitening strips for the first time. It is really weird but kind of interesting pill. I can't talk very well and it feels weird. I thought I would give it a try a couple months before the wedding and see what happened. I also need to go see the dentist. I hate going to the dentist.

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Heading to work
I need longer weekends

amazing show

We just got out of Wicked. It was amazing! I cried and laughed. I loved it and so did Josh. We know have a program, pen and mug. Can't go to a show without souvenirs.
Thank you honey!

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anniversary

On our way to Eugene Oregon to see the play Wicked. We have been looking forward to this a long time. Tomorrow is our anniversary. Who can guess how many years? Fun night ahead!

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mia's results

The vet was able to remove all of the tumor with a half of an margin. Hopefully it won't come back.

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grandpa ok

False alarm
Bone is probably bruised but nothing else is wrong
We just got home and grandpa is.resting at his place
Really tired

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grandpa fell

Going to the hospital
Grandpa fell and says his hip hurts
They are taking him to salmon creek hospital

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first fitting

On my way to get my dress fitted and pic up one of the bridesmaid dresses.

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Mia's surgery day

Josh took Mia in yesterday morning around 7:30am. He said it was so sad because Mia always loves to go places. She was all excited right up until he opened the door to the vet. As soon as she saw it she turned around and headed for the other direction. This has been pretty common ever since she was fixed a few years ago. When the tech came out to get her she pulled and pulled and pulled. She has a harness on because she will choke herself if left to do so. The tech told Josh to close the door to the back area when they were clear from the door. Josh did so and then he heard this THUNK sound at the door. Mia came bursting out and ran toward him. She had hit the door so hard it popped open. The tech said "man she is fast." She then started trying to get her back. Mia then went on the ground with her belly and started to try to swim away :-) Josh said it was so funny and yet sad at the same time.

The vet tech called around 1pm to tell us everything went fine and she was recovering well. They even said that we could bring her home the same day. We were thrilled that everything went well but scared because keeping Mia quiet is like trying not to let a fish swim. I mean it is impossible. The vet said we need to keep her quiet for 10 days! Are they kidding! I asked them for some meds to help make her sleepy because she is so stubborn that it is impossible.

We picked her up about 4:30 and she was very awake. The doc had originally prescribed us benedryl but i told them that was not going to work at all. So they gave us something more. Getting her in the car was so difficult. It is right under her arm pit kind of and it is hard to grab her and not grab that area. Of course she is trying to jump and move around and that only makes it worse. She was crying the whole way home. I was just so upset to see her in pain. I got her right home and put her in her crate where she could be safe and warm. I then got out her antibiotics, pain meds, and sedation meds. I gave them all to her and she was knocked out.

It turned out to be a good thing because as predicted she wanted to be all over the place and it was so hard to keep her calm and not jumping out of my arms. We went outside later and she didn't do anything which I understood. Then later we tried again and tried to sit on the couch. Of course this lasted only a bit and then she was antsy and just wanted back in her bed.

So tonight I am without a Mia in the bed. She is downstairs in her crate because I didn't want to move her or carry her upstairs and risk the chance of dropping her. I miss her already. i love that little one.

dress and suits

Getting the last of the bridesmaid dresses. Now we are heading to look at suits for Josh

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sucked

Today sucked! That's all there is to it! There's nothing left to say. I can only pray that tomorrow will be better and the start of better things to come. Please Lord let that be true.

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mia's tumor

just talked to vet - Mia's mass is malignant and needs to be removed - it is very common in all kinds of dogs - there is a chance of spreading so we need to get it looked at by a pathologist after it is removed - she goes in on Tuesday - vet said we were smart to bring her in when it was small - still scared for her

president

Well I am now President of the new United Blind of SW Washington. It is group for the legally blind and friends of families of those with vision loss. We just started today so we haven't pinpointed our focus and course of action but we are on our way.

I was pretty worried to have the responsibility of President as I have never been one. But I have to be confident in myself since a lot of other people are otherwise they wouldn't have nominated me. So I need to check into what the role entails so that I am prepared. I am excited but scared as well. More to come..

the passing of a friend

Friday I had to put down a very good friend of mine. My mom had had Louie who is a Yorkie Terrier. He was 13 years old. He was blind and deaf and in renal failure. We had taken him in around October or November and the doctor had said he was doing well. I was sure he was fine and we originally brought him in to get a rabies shot. Next thing I know the vet says he is sick. I wasn't there to talk to the doc but my mom was. I was so stunned and upset. I mean it had been a terrible day, this was Thursday we heard about it being a possibility.

We had to take some blood so that we could find out what was really wrong with him. That night I was very upset but tried so hard not to think about it because I knew that if I did I would crumble and then I wouldn't be able to function. I guess a part of me thought that maybe it would be fine and not to think about it. But we got the call saying that yes he was in renal failure and we knew what we had to do. I couldn't leave work

i can't talk about it anymore
love ya louie!!!!!!

love and loss

Recently I took over the care of my mom's 13 year old deaf/blind yorkie. He is very important to me and loves me to death. He will search me out and always seems to find me even though he cannot hear me or see me. I had to take him in to get his shots and found out some not so good news. They think he might have kidney failure or disease. They took some blood work and we will know more tomorrow. I am so upset about it. I know and knew that it would happen eventually but just wasn't ready for it right now. There has been so much loss and change in the last year that it just seems to be one more thing to be in sorrow about. I know for him if he is in pain then he needs to be sent back to God but I will miss him. He truly means the world to me because he is so genuine and loving. To know you have such a strong bond with an animal that he can find you where you are!

The frustrating part is I want to cry, I think I need to. There is so much happening and so much hurt and pain and mix of emotion. I am afraid that if I start I won't stop. It would be like opening the flood gates and that scares me. I hate losing control like that and I want to keep it together. I need to for other people's sake I guess. I will start to cry and then it will stop after only a few seconds or whatever. Anyway I will have more information later. This is just really hard for me.

not such a great one

I try to make my posts as positive as possible but I can't this time. I have had a rough week and I am very sad. I cannot divulge much but it has been hard. Part of me feels numb inside and I am not sure what to do about that. I guess time heals all scars but this will take a while. I think when someone hears the same thing over and over again from one person it begins to affect them no matter how hard they try to keep it from doing so. It becomes this mosquito hanging on the arm as a constant reminder that someone in the world thinks that. It can cut deep.

What happens when you run out of emotion? Have you ever had someone in your life that, after a certain time you don't know how to feel or what to feel. You search inside yourself and can only find this empty hole where the emotion is supposed to go? Like as if someone dug it and it is waiting to be filled. What if you cannot find the material to fill it? Does it become this empty spot in your soul? I am not sure what happens next. What happens when no matter what anyone says, you still cannot feel? Can someone use up all of their energy on something so much and to such intensity that after a while they are just indifferent? Does that make them a monster or a human?

I see these things happen all around me and it makes me wonder. How much can a person take? I know the say "God only gives us what He thinks we can handle." Sometimes I think He has too much faith in me. Other questions pop up in my head. Can someone use up all of their love on someone and still have love for others? Does one bad relationship or situation serve as a chain on their heart which takes much force to break? I hope not.

gloomy

Today I guess is one of those days that I am just in a bad mood. I was so tired this weekend I didn't do much. I woke up today and had a bad headache. it seems like the dogs were barking all day long and it just intensified the situation. It almost felt like they were yelling at me all day.

I am now taking care of my mom's eldest dog. His name is Louie and he is 13 years old. He is blind and death and unfortunately has accidents. This is kind of new to me as I haven't worked with a dog like this. He is very special to me but still a lot of work. We found a nice laundry basket to use for his bed at night so that way he isn't wondering around and or wouldn't fall off of the bed.

Sometimes I feel like I am responsible for everyone. I feel like no matter what I do it is never enough and there is always something else to do. Someone said to me a few days ago "Do you really think now is the best time to plan a wedding?" The wedding is the only thing that gives me joy at the moment. It is something to look forward to, to be excited about.

Anyway that is it for tonight. Take care all

wedding updates

Ok so things have been nuts with everything. We have June 26th as the date now and I am not changing it anymore :-) We are having a BBQ I think. I am not sure if we will have a DJ or use my IPOD. There is so much to do and so little time. If I could do wedding stuff all day that would be fine with me. t is a lot of fun. Let me list some things for sure
1. June 26th all day event
2. purple is the color
3. so far 4 bridesmaids, 1 maid of honor, 1 best man, 2 flower girls and 1 ring dog (Caely)
4. Have a dress, officiant, possible photographer and cake maker
5. Shopping for bridesmaids dresses and maybe accessories for me next friday
6. Registry started at Bed Bath and Beyond, still need to do Target
7. Finalizing guest list

I am sure there is more but can't remember ahahaah  it is late

service

why is it that there isn't some sort of state certification of service, companion animals where the animals must pass requirements in order to be around the public? Some one educate me if there is. I think there is so much more to a helper dog then just saying you trained your own or just putting a sign or something on them.  I put a lot more faith in an organization that raises, trains and test their animals to make sure they are appropriate to send out with their handlers. Just my opinion

Long time no talk

Well has it been forever or what? I think it has been about 19 days or so. I am sorry for not keeping you up to date, things have been kind of crazy all around. Some of it I cannot get into as this isn't he venue for it but the rest is fine.

My grandpa is now back to his apartment at Van Mall. Unfortunately when he came back the place was on quarantine because a lot of residents were sick. So that wasn't the best way to come out of a rehab center. Luckily we had gone to the lake after he came out and walked around a lot so he had gotten some good air and exercise. He is doing well and enjoying be able to get out and do things on his own. I am happy for him too because I can only guess how tired and bored he was being in the rehab facility.

We are also helping out my mom for a bit. She is staying with us for a short time until we can get my grandpa's house fixed up. Unfortunately it isn't able to be lived in and so we need to change it and get it to livable conditions.

Let me hear a song of calm

Of reassurance and strength

Let me hear a song of love

Peace and hope

No notes of anger

Hate or hurt

No chords of doom or unforgiveness

Allow the sound to surround my heart

To coddle it in love

Never to feel the cold ice hold of

Heartbreak or deceit

Allow the sound to penetrate the hard shell it has become

Never to be stripped naked and alone

Massage the pain away so the bruises can heal

Only to start anew

Gently whispering promises of life

property of Brooke Strand

new location maybe

So because my wedding date has changed we are contemplating a different location for the wedding. We decided that it's going to be best if we have the wedding at a time where I don't have to worry about work. So it looks like it will be sometime in late June or early July. Usually at that time of the year is pretty nice outside, so we thought about maybe having it at one of the lakes nearby. one of our coworkers was married at the lake and it was beautiful. So I decided to go check it out look online see what information I could find out. It sounds like a pretty cool idea, but I need to confirm some dates see what options are available and how much it costs. Then after that once I have a few dates in mind, talk with Josh and try to find a good time that we can do this. I'm thinking it'll probably be maybe July 8 or something. I will keep you posted

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too long

So it has been a while since I wrote. I have been so tired and sick with everything going on. My hand is getting better. I finally got the stitches out but it is very weak and still very sore. Things haven't been very good all around in many facets of life. It has taken me off my guard and off my path and plan. I want to get back on and stop this and start over. You can always start over.

I have been sick all weekend which isn't a surprise since every time we have a long weekend I get sick. I am very sick of it ahahaha. I have been in bed not doing anything and it drives me nuts. I haven't had much of a meal at home because I can't cook with my hand. Maybe that is an excuse but it is really hard. So I have been eating a lot of junk food. I think I have gained weight because of it. That just depresses me more but I can get back on track. It is just gonna take me a while.

We have moved the date of the wedding. Having it on a Friday made it too difficult to really enjoy ourselves. We are hoping we can make it work on a Sunday evening so that way people can come for it and maybe only have to miss a day of work if they do so choose.

I am working on the date. Kind of feel like I am back to square one. However the date of the wedding just wasn't going to work for many different reasons.

change

It looks like with other things happening I may have to change the date of the wedding. When we do get married I want to be able to enjoy it and take the time that I need to fully pamper myself like everybody says that I should. If I have my wedding during a time when it's in school I can't really do that. If I do that Friday then I'm in school for half day and I really want to spend some time and hang out with my bridesmaids. Right now my made of honor can't come until the night before the wedding so it just seems like maybe it's a better idea. I will keep you posted.

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day three after surgery

I think it's now day three after surgery. Going in I had I believe some morphine and some other or relax and take sedation medicine. Now they have me on Percocet and 600 mg I think of Motrin or ibuprofen. I am kind of in and out of it. I can't really lay on my left side because it's my left wrist that I have the surgery on. When I came out of surgery I found this huge dump on my left hand. So I can't move it at all I can move the fingers a little bit and the thumb, but that's about it. It's not like a cast it's like this big bandage that goes probably three fourths of the way up my forearm. And I know it has like this steel metal thing in it so that I can't really bend it. So needless to say I can't really do anything with that wrist or really hand at all

So doing anything is pretty much impossible. In fact, the only reason I am blogging is because I am using a dictation software on my iPhone. That's the cool part about an iPhone or really technology nowadays. It makes it so that not much is impossible. However I still have to be somewhat loose it and order for my posting to make sense. Right now I'm not so much in pain but very uncomfortable. However I took a Percocet couple of hours ago and so probably still feeling the effects of that. I'm not one to medicate myself very often and I don't really like to so I am pretty conservative when it comes to pain medication. Anyway I'm pretty uncomfortable most of the time because I can't really do anything with it. So it makes a lot of everyday chores and work pretty impossible. The worst part right now besides it being uncomfortable is the fact that it itches. I can't do anything about it which drives me nuts. I guess it's good I can't do much with it. I think I remember last time doing a lot more with my right hand when I probably shouldn't have. So I really have to take care of it. Unfortunately I have to keep this big thing on my left hand until Thursday. Hopefully I can stay seen until then.

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Tomorrow and Carpel Tunnel

So tomorrow I am having carpel surgery on my left hand. I had it on my right hand a few years ago and it really helped me. However the procedure was a bit stressful. I had a student observing the doctor so he was explaining it to them. Well next thing I know I feel my hand mysteriously lift up on it's own. I was relaxed on something but was awake and my hand was numb. Oh it totally creeped me out. I am praying that this doesn't happen and maybe they could give me something heavier... We will see.

Got a Date

So it looks like May 27th at the Barberton Grange!!!!

Location and Day

Well we have a location and a date. I am a bit nervous with the date. We only have an option of May 27th which falls on Memorial Day Weekend. Gosh I hope people can still come. The place we liked isn't available again until July. I really don't want to wait that long.

Bridal Show

Yesterday Josh and I went to the Bridal show at the Firstenburg. It was nice to go to but didn't help much. It was amazing how expensive everything was. I was glad I had already had some good ideas about how I would get things done. Man the cakes were expensive, caterers expensive, locations, etc. You name it those things were expensive. I didn't really get any hints as to anything else that might help me.

So got music figured out, getting great decorations at Michaels and Dollar Store and invitations through email. We are working on location which we will look at Tuesday. Started a guest list but not totally sure if we are finished with that.

Gosh I pray I can stay on track this week.

Rough week

I started off this week feeling pretty darn good. I had gotten a dress, was on my way to figuring out wedding plans. I was also on track with working out and eating better. I guess that kind of went out of the window as the week progressed. It is hard to go into specifics because well this is life and when you blog everything is public. I would be stupid to think that somehow anything I say would be safe from future exploitation. I hate to seem paranoid but better safe than sorry.

At the end of the week I have to tell you I threw all caution out of the window and ate a bit too much. I felt so bad that I had strayed. On top of that I couldn't muster up the energy to work out. I know that is a very lame excuse but it is what I have. I was so mentally and emotionally not to mention physically exhausted I just couldn't do it. When something happens twice in one week, people say I had a right to get all upset. However when I look back at the situation it only makes me worry. Yeah maybe it was expected, but I see it as a personal weakness that I got so upset. I let my guard down at work and that doesn't make me feel any better.

So anyway, needless to say it wasn't a good week. It was a pretty crappy week and one that I don't want repeated. Hopefully the next week will be better.

2nd day of wedding excitement

Ok so I looked at my dress again last night and fell in love again. I then looked at it AGAIN tonight. I have a feeling this will be an every night thing. I just can't believe I have it. I mean a dress just for me that is not cheap. It makes me feel special.

Today I looked at hairstyles> i am going for an updo with a tiara. I am not a big veil person. For shoes, simple flat shoes or maybe ballet like shoes like slippers. There is no way I can do heels! Also I looked at a few places to have it. I need a place inside that is very inexpensive.

Very excited and many things to do.

Said Yes to the Dress

Well today was the first start to getting married. I have been engaged for 6 years and we just decided it was time. If we don't we will come up with excuses after excuses and we will never get married. So many  reasons brought this to a head. My grandpa is 94 years old and helped raise me. I want o make sure he is able to see me walk down and aisle. Secondly I have had a lower self-esteem  in the past and haven't taken good care of myself. I want to change that and not look back.

So here we are. Today I went out with my 3 girlfriends from work. Unfortunately my maid of honor isn't here but in Minnesota but I am communicating with her via text and everything. We went dress shopping. I have to admit at first I was not excited. I was not looking forward to it because I hate look at myself and I hate dresses. It just seemed not that exciting. Plus I always wanted to be thin for my wedding and I am obviously not. But if I wait too long who knows what will happen.

The girls were so excited. We went out to brunch and it was fabulous. The food was amazing which is ironic because here I am looking for dresses and eating a buffet brunch. But I was ok with that. We ate and then made our way to the shop. I wasn't hopeful to find much because first of all dresses are so expensive. I figured we would go to David's Bridal and find something and then look for something somewhere that is the same or close to it.

I like to plan and so before I went I went online at David's Bridal and took out some pictures that I liked of dresses from the website. I walked in with papers in hand and the girls just went for it. They ran over to my size section and started pulling out dresses. It was amazing because they were looking for me and would show me things. I was shocked because I didn't have to do a lot of work on my own. We kept finding dresses. We found I think most of the dresses I had seen on the website and even more. They kept jumping up and down waiting for a room to open up for me. It was so sweet. Yet I wasn't yet excited. I saw all of these beautiful women in thin pretty gowns. I was expecting much.

Once we got back there the game was on. I got a nice strapless bra  that goes partially down to the waist and a slip. After that, it was go for the dresses. We would try one on and then I would come out and get pictures taken. The most amazing part was hearing the oooo's and the awwww's. People were saying I was beautiful. Me? I even had one woman come up to me and tell me how beautiful I looked. I couldn't believe it. A woman I didn't even know telling me how pretty I looked. After that my spirits went up.

I am not big or good at making decisions. I often cave in and go with majority. However, the ladies were awesome at making sure it was all MY decision. I tried on 8 dresses I think. I was shocked at how one look at the mirror and it was "Nope, not this one." Dress number 2,3,4 and 8 were my favorite. Oh man it was tiring but still fun because people were pampering me and smiling and exited. This made me so happy and feeling special. So after I tried on all of them I looked at the four pictures I had of the dresses. I nixed dresses 2 and 3. They were beautiful but just didn't look as good as dress 4 and 8.  Each time I sent a picture to Melissa to update her on what was going on. She was so supportive. So it was down to two dresses. Lisa, Michelle and Teri liked dress number 4 and Melissa liked dress 8. As I looked at the dress and myself I just felt that number 4 was what I wanted. I felt beautiful and loved the way it felt and looked. So boom there we have it.

Now let's talk price. Oh the topic I hate. So this was the LAST day of the Bridal gown special. The two dresses were around the same price and about I think $450 and I got it a lot cheaper than that and it was beautiful. I mean it was awesome and totally in my budget. I was elated and so were the ladies. I thought how lucky I was. Here I thought I would just look and I find a dress the first time looking, in one afternoon and on sale. Lucky me!

As we left I felt so pretty and special. But yet it still hasn't hit me. I mean I keep thinking about it and I felt wonderful but not there yet. As it comes closer I know it will change. In the mean time i need to maintain my workouts and watching what I eat. The ladies have lots of ideas and I am hopeful but still a lot to do... :-)

Sorry guys although I want post a picture I can't, it is a surprise.

Beginning Steps to a Wedding

Well all, tomorrow I make my first initial attempt at starting to get a wedding going. I am going with m friends to look at dresses. I am very excited well kind of. I kind of don't want to see myself in white as I haven't lost much weight but.. it can be exciting too. I hope that I can find something I like and that fits in my budget. I have 3 of my friends coming and then my maid of honor standing by the phone to view the pictures too. My best friend Melissa lives in Minnesota and so she isn't nearby and I really value her opinion. I am nervous. It will be weird to be doing this and not showing Josh what I like. So we will see how it goes.

Right now we are thinking around April to June but haven't pinpointed a location yet. It kind of depends on what we can afford which isn't a lot right now. Next weekend we are going to a bridal show and will see what they have to offer. We just can't go crazy. I already know the color which actually is just one color. Are you supposed to have 2? I just want lavender as it is so beautiful and purple is my favorite anyway. Flowers are going to be bought at Micheal's I think and then getting plates and stuff from Party City. Then I have my Ipod to blast music and have fun with.

This is just bits here and bits there so it will come together. i also think I will send out invitations through the Internet like evite or something.... So much to do but kind of fun.

what about the sick

So this weekend I was sick, yes that is the second time I have been sick in a period of a month. I started to feel sick on Friday and right after work I went right to bed. I literally was in bed the whole time unless I was up to have something to eat which was not very often. As i was in bed I had an interesting thought, well as interesting as you can have when you are sick and on cold pills. I wondered what do you do when you are sick and cannot workout and keep up your routine?

I guess this question wouldn't haunt me so much if it weren't for that damn Wii. I love the Wii! It is a great way to keep up with your workouts, monitor your weight and keep yourself motivated. I wonder about the motivation part though. I guess you can be motivate if you feel the unrelenting urge to prove to the little damn Wii board that you are not "obese" as he says in his tiny voice. This board person is a wii board with each corner of it serving as either an arm or a leg to make it appear more human. Could it also be motivating when you don't show up on the Wii for three days and it says that it forgot who you are? And aren't I the schmuck who goes back to my profile to make sure I clicked on the right Mii. Haha very funny wi board! You got me, even electronics  can make funnies.

So anyway I am trying to use the Wii more and more to help keep myself honest and on track. I just wish that the wii board would be a bit kinder to me. Maybe instead of saying "that's obese" and my mii hanging her head in shame.... maybe we could say "that's really big boned" and having my mii put her hand on her hip with attitude? At least then we could keep some dignity. But don't get me wrong. I do enjoy using the machine and find it fantastic. I just like to think about the little things. This is what gets me into trouble....

So tonight I bought Just Dance 2 and tried it out. I am excited because this seems like a lot of fun. I can dance and then count my time in my Wii fit program. Maybe later I will buy a workout one and a Zumba one. Go Wii board and your little "that's obese" phrase too!!!!

Nice visit with Grandpa

I was able to see Grandpa this afternoon. When I got there he was sleeping real sound. I thought for a moment about not waking him up. I hadn't seen him the last weekend because of being sick so I needed to say hi. I walked in quietly and had a seat and gently touched his hand. His eyes opened and a smile started to form at the corner of his mouth. It was a joy to see.

I asked him how he was doing.... "Sleeping." was his response with a big laugh. I was very appreciative of his smile and good humor. I showed him a pair of shoes that I bought him over the weekend. When I took them out to put them on he just laughed at me. "I guess I have bigger feet then you thought." he said. "No," I say "I am just not a good judge of shoe size." We both had a chuckle.

He then began telling me about his working out routine. It was great watching him show me how he moves the equipment and what not. I told him I was proud of him and that he needed to keep it up. So after some more chatting and good laughs I promised him I would go back to the drawing board and try to get him some bigger sized shoes.

As I drove away I was comforted to know that he still has the strength and push in him to keep working. There were some days I wasn't sure how far we were going to go. I know he had had another stroke as it had shown in his slowing of his speech. I also knew he was really frustrated with everything and tired as well. However this visit gave me more hope that his attitude has taken a turn for the better. I just like to see him happy, whatever that means for him is what I wish for him. As long as he is happy then I am all right with that.

still sick

I have been sick since Friday. this means I am getting nothing done. I am miserable and can't even go see grandpa.

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Sick again

Well low and behold I am sick yet again. I was sick like 3 weeks or so ago. That is what you get when you work in the education system. No matter how much you prevent it still comes to find you. You just can't get away from it. I feel like crap and I am very irritable too. I got through work today but man I crashed when I got home. So needless to say I didn't get to look at dresses today. Although I have pictures of ones that I like. I was really upset because I was looking forward to it. We will try another time.

I was able to go to Walmart and get some things so that I could feel better. We also picked up a harness for Mia and two collars for Mia and Joey. The coolest one was that we got a little jacket for Mia which is like a few shades of purple. Once I feel better I will put it on her and then take some pictures of it. I think it is going to be adorable.

Anyway I hope that I can kick this faster than I did the last one. I hate being sick and then missing out on m weekends. The other frustrating part is that I wanted to go see my grandfather this weekend. Well I am more reluctant to do so when I am sick. I was able to write him an email and then send it to the social worker. She then printed it out and gave it to him so that he could read it. That makes me feel better and I know that he knows that he isn't alone.

Today's thoughts

Well hello fellow followers, for all those out there that read my blog ahahahaha. I hope that you all enjoy the pictures I put up. I am proud of myself for figuring it out. I am sure that sounds stupid to some of you as many more are more aware of how to blog better than me. You know when I was younger I used to think that what I wrote or said was profound and original. Now I just realize that I was giving myself way too much credit. I think everyone when they are younger wants to think that they are amazing and original well maybe we all are in our own way.

Anyway, today was a good day. Work went well and wasn't too stressful which is all right with me. I need less stress :-) I was able to come home and get to work out a bit. Later tonight I watched "Easy A" which was not painful at all but rather funny. In contrast to that, I am ashamed to admit I am watching Piranha as we speak. I am not hopeful at all. it is kind of watching a train wreck. You know you shouldn't and it is going to be bad but you can't just look away.

So as I believe I have mentioned before, my plan is for Josh and I to get married this year. We are still working on the location and date but have good ideas on what we want for some things. Anyway, I am already looking at dresses and deciding for myself what I like. I am so easily influenced by others that I want things to be of my own choosing. This should be exciting tomorrow. I hope I have a good idea of what I am getting tomorrow. More news to come, stay tuned.....

Just updated my page

I love it!! I put some pics on my page and it looks fantastic :-)

The babies

These are our babies. From left to right there is
Mia 5 yr puggle, Joey 6 yr puggle, Caelyn 5 year lab

end of another day

Today was a long day, a bit rough but it is over. Sometimes after a day like today i am so tired it is hard to explain. I feel like I am wiped emotionally, mentally and physically. It makes it hard to do things when I get home because I feel so exhausted.

On the positive side I am trying to get things going with a wedding for Josh and I I am going to look at dresses this week. i will either buy one (has to be low priced) or try to see if I can have one made. We don't have a lot of money so I need to be smart about all of this. I plan to look at dresses by next Monday. So we shall see.

Night Night

too cold

I am at my dr. office. it is around 33 degrees outside. I was going to take the bus home however it is not very likely. I have to take two buses and there is around 30 minute wait time between them. so even though the distance from my dr. isn't that far I am still going to take a taxi. I have Caelyn with me.

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New Week

Well today was an all right day. Work was ok but the afternoon kind of dragged on a bit. However the kids worked hard and did a good job.

I came home and emptied the trash, did a load of laundry and unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher. After that I got on my Wii and worked out for 30 minutes. It was fun but the aerobic section is limited. Over the Christmas Break I got to play Just Dance on the Wii at Josh's sister's house. It was real fun! I decided I want to get it so that I can just have fun and dance and keep myself moving regularly. I also found out that there is a game for Zumba on the Wii and some more workout ones. So I am kind of excited to get some different kinds so that I can mix it up. The Wii tracks your activities but you can also put in other things you did outside of their own things. I am hoping I can pick up a game soon. Right now I am doing hula hoops, step aerobics and short distance running. I love dancing and so that would be fun. I took danced for around 10 years. I loved everyone minute of it. I wish I could get myself back in shape so that I could do more of it.

Anyway, I am glad that I worked out today. Even though it is just one day, I have to take it one day at a time. If I look too far ahead I can get off track. So each day is a new day to obtain new goals. Unfortunately tonight I haven't been feeling well, kind of been sick. I hope it passes so I am good for work tomorrow.

Weird

Things have been weird lately. I have been really tired and also busy at the same time. Wednesday I was so exhausted I went to bed at like 6pm and slept through the whole night. I don't know what happened, I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Thursday I wasn't feeling well and just kind of zoned out I guess. Friday and Saturday well those went fast and again I was tired. I was thinking of things to write about and I had it down in my head but now for the life of me I cannot remember. Anyway I am trying to keep things going. I think I might be coming down with something.

Beginning Attempt

Ok so today I started my attempt at keeping a workout routine. I am really going to try to maintain working out regularly. It can be so hard sometime "as I am sure everyone says" to keep up with it. I am not a morning workout person so I need to do it after school. This year my energy level is totally depleted by the time I come home. My work is a lot more demanding. This isn't always a bad thing, i love to be challenged. So this is something I need to work on.

So my goal is to lose a few pounds this month. I am trying to keep my goals smaller so that they are more obtainable. So today I started working out. I am using the Wii fit that I have to start out with. I haven't used it in a long time. I decided to begin by doing only 20 or so minutes today. I figured starting out small and then building up so I can build stamina. So all I can do is try to stay positive.

I am also trying to balance out my food intake which in itself is a challenge too. Sometimes I just end up hating food. It is hard to explain why, sometimes I am not even sure why. I am trying to have more water and then increase my fruits and vegetables. I wish I liked that V8 juice that gives you all of those veggies. I can't stand the taste and I have tried.

So there you go, we will see what we see. Ok, at first I thought this was going to be an interesting post. Now I must apologize if you are totally bored. Just a last thought, if there is anyone who reads this, either now or in the future, I want to keep this blog positive. So no negative comments or put downs to anyone who writes or responds or whatever. Negativity isn't good for anyone and doesn't help either person, the one posting it or the one who reads it. Thanks

grandpa birthday visit

I just got home from seeing my grandfather at the rehab center. It was scary at first, because when I went into his room I saw him lying on the bed but his body was covered , like what they do when someone passes away. I walked over to him and I was scared to touch him as I didn't know what happened. I called his name and I finally heard him say something. It turned out that the window was open and it was really cold and he covered his own face. We talked for a good 45 min. or so and I wish him a happy it was really hard to understand him because he talks very slow and I think he starts to get confused as to what he was saying because he forgets it after a while. So we chatted and he told me about his day and how people said happy birthday to him. After a while he was tired and it was time for dinner so I wished him a happy birthday again. So in all it was a pleasant visit, although it didn't start off on a very good note.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

new year day

Yesterday was the first day of January of the year 2011 and one of my presents for Josh was for him to get a tattoo. This isn't just any tattoo it was meant to be a special tattoo just for him to honor the memory of his father who passed away in July. He designed his own tattoo which was a picture of A fish and over the top of it was the word dad and underneath it was his date of birth and his date of death. I'm going to try and post the picture on this website here so you can see it.

So at about one o'clock we headed over to a tattoo place that we went to last time when Josh got his big Dragon tattoo. This time we got someone else to do his tattoo and he decided to have it put on his upper left part of his shoulder.

I was trying to get a video of it but he was self-conscious so I just took some pictures. I'm not quite sure how long the whole process took for him maybe it was in an hour. or it Yesterday was the first day of January of the year 2011 and one of my presents for Josh was for him to get a tattoo. This isn't just any tattoo it was meant to be a special tattoo just for him to honor the memory of his father who passed away in July. He designed his own tattoo which was a picture of A fish and over the top of it was the word dad and underneath it was his date of birth and his date of death. I'm going to try and post the picture on this website here so you can see it.

So at about one o'clock we headed over to a tattoo place that we went to last time when Josh got his big Dragon tattoo. This time we got someone else to do his tattoo and he decided to have it put on his upper left part of his shoulder. It seems longer but that's because I was having not such of a great day. I been sick all day and I'm not sure what caused it. I wasn't sure if maybe the food from the night before caused it or maybe the Starbucks coffee I had caused it. However I was feeling really sick so it seemed like it was taking forever. As the process continued Josh stayed calm and handled it very well. He said that at some times he wouldn't even feel anything but then other times it was really sensitive and really hurt. When it was finished it looked really really good.

After he was done his sister Jamie had remarked on how good it looked and she indicated she really liked the writing that was above the fish and the writing that was below the fish. So her and Josh talked about it and she asked him if it would be okay if she took the writing from his tattoo and had that part placed over the picture of her tattoo which is of a Tweetie bird. Josh's dad really liked Tweety Bird so she wanted that writing around it as another memorial to him. Josh had no problem with that and so she went in right after him and got going.

Originally I wanted to get another tattoo with him at the same time but Josh told me back then that he wanted it to be a private occasion. So I decided to wait on that. But then after he had talked to Jamie, I asked if it would to be okay if I got another tattoo. I wanted to make sure that he was perfectly okay with it before I even thought about doing it. He said that would be okay and so I decided that I would get another tattoo. Earlier we had shown Ann, who's the owner, a tattoo of Betty Boop that I got last time. Everyone always commented that she looked a lot darker than she normally should be. So we asked her if she could redo the color. She looked at it and was surprised it was so dark. She then said that she wouldn't charge anything to fix it. Which was quite a relief for us.

Previously to this I always thought that I'd want to get a Chinese or Japanese symbol for the word teacher because that's kind of how I see myself. But as time went on I began wondering if there was another symbol or something else that might resemble closer to how I view myself. When I got there and started thinking about the new year, since it was January first, I thought about things that I should be doing for myself or things that are dear to me. I looked through the symbols that they had and found the symbol for the word balance. It was a two shaped tattoo and was very appealing to me somehow. I thought that would be a good choice for me because this year I really want to work on balancing my life.

As I was getting the tattoo done on my upper right shoulder, I thought maybe it would be cool to have the symbol outlined in black and then on the inside be filled with purple. I love purple, it's my favorite color, and so it just seems natural to fill it with purple as a way to symbolize balance with the things that I love.

As I was getting the tattoo done it was really similar to what Josh said. Sometimes it would feel like nothing was being done to me, and then sometimes there would be this one spot where, when it was touched, would just shoot pain up in my shoulder. They say that when you get a tattoo, the tracing, which is the outline, that always hurts the most but then the actual filling in of the tattoo doesn't hurt as much. I asked Ann what exactly that meant and why that was. I thought maybe it was because the needles were going deeper to get the tracing. She told me it was because the needles in the tattoo gun are closer together. This makes the actual puncture in the skin is a little more sensitive because you have more needles clustered together. I honestly didn't feel any difference whatsoever. The tattoo on my shoulder didn't really hurt as much as the one that I got on my leg when I got that done about six or seven months ago. It was the touching up of the Betty Boop that hurt the most. I thought it wasn't going to be that hard or painful but I was dead wrong. There were some spots where the needle would just touch it and it would shoot me through that area and was very very uncomfortable. I was so close to crying so many times when she was working on my leg. When she was working on my shoulder it totally didn't get to that point. But my leg was a totally different story. At one point I didn't know if I was going to make it the whole time, I thought I might need to take a break and then come back in a little bit just so that I can get through it. When it was done I was very very relieved.

I know, it probably sounds like I'm just being a big baby. Well maybe I am. But for the most part that's just how I felt. I really am impressed by the people who can sit there for hours and get massive amounts of art work done on them. To all of you I raise my glass to you because you are amazing.

Well that's all for now I have to close up shop and go to bed. It is way past my bedtime.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Happy New Year

The time has come to put the past behind us and to focus on the time ahead. To clear our hearts and minds of the bad and hurtful and to open them up to the good that is all around us. Tonight before the new year started, I wrote some letters and then burned them. It is supposed to cleanse your heart and soul and mind. What you do is write letters to whomever you need or want to. Then when the time comes you take those letters and burn them up. This takes all the stuff you wrote and puts it into the universe to help cleanse yourself and to start anew. I have never done it before but I thought I would try since this year has been so trying for all of us. It was weird writing down my notes to people, getting out anything and everything I needed to say and then seeing those words be consumed and then go up in flames. It did make me feel better.

I also wrote some resolutions for the new year. I am hoping I will be more successful with them then I have been in the past. I want to be able to lose some weight and to work on my business. another goal is for Josh and I to get married. I remember when I was younger I wanted to have a big wedding and everything. Now I can't see how it is realistic to do that due to time and money. Plus that doesn't matter to me anymore. I would be happy with just a small wedding and a fun reception. Nothing fancy or exciting, just us and our friends and family having fun. We shall see. A big part of it too is I want to lose some weight, just cause that is a goal of mine.

Right now we are at Josh's sister's home in Port Orchard. We had sometime to eat and then had a few drinks. After that we played Just Dance on the Wii. I had never tried it before and it was a lot of fun. It kind of reminds me of Dance Dance Revolution only without the pads to step on. Boy was it a workout. I think I might try to get that and make it part of my workout routine during the week. I mean you gotta love dancing.

Then we played some game and waited for the ball to drop. Don't worry we were nice and loud with our noise makers. It was great. Josh and I hugged one another and gave each other a kiss. We promised that this year would be better.

So tomorrow Josh is going to get a tat. This will be his second  one within the year. He had one done in April. This time he is getting a tat to tribute his father. It will be very special for him, a way to heal. I will have to let you know how it turns out. I think he is excited. I kind of wish that I could get one too as I like getting tats. I have 2 already and they are awesome. However this is his time and my present to him.

So in closing I wish all the people out there who read my blog (hahaha) Happy New Year! May this year be all that you want and make it to be!!!